Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize