I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize