my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
