We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
