I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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