dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
