fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
