First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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