He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the raccoons are back...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
