Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
