i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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