Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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