u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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