just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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