So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
