I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
