What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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