Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Boobs are out for the taking
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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