my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
