Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
