I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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