I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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