when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
