I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize