i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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