five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
