Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
