matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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