Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
