Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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