I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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