The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize