There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
