you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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