Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
