What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize