mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
