sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
