just come out here and I will go home with you...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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