Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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