everyone is single if you try hard enough
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
