So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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