Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
now i know why i became what i already was.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
