why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My feet surprised me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
