After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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