he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
