OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize