I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize