i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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