I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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