Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
