i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
