U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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