I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
not ubering you a puppy
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize