she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
