one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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