i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
