Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize